I recently took the decision to grow a beard, I’ve never had one.
Seems like as good a reason as any. But upon telling my friends they decided, because it’s the date of James’ 18th Birthday (??!?) that I should keep it until March 4th.

This seemed as good a date as any, so I agreed. I can’t touch a razor until March 4th.

It works out to be 73 days as I have not shaved since Dec 21st.
Mmmmmmmm. Seems like a long time when you say it like that. I could have a huge, fuck-off beard by that point.

I imagine I will look something like Mr Twit from Roald Dahl’s The Twits.

He’s an anti-Hero sure, but they’re always the best characters! I’ve loved that story since I was a kid.

Infact, Dahl says at the start of the book:

“Mr Twit felt that this hairiness made him look terrifically wise and grand.”

So, does that mean I’ll turn into Guy Pearce? Is that my destiny?

To become Guy’s understudy in the in the field of Beards and extensive knowledge of Pornography. To those who don’t know, I’m talking about Guy Pearce, otherwise known as The Laughing Wizard of Furnace Green. Worshipped by some, adored by all. Doesn’t sound too bad when you say it like that.

And imagine the savings on razorblades! Not to mention the fun I’ll have once I’ve abandoned any hope of getting a date.

Also if I go 73 days without shaving could I also become a celebrity lookalike!
I reckon my options are basically:

• Hagrid from Lord of The Rings
• Gimli from Lord of The Rings
• Guy Pearce The Wizard of Furnace Green
• Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses
• Brian Blessed From Acting and That
• Scroobius Pip - Just A Band

Seeing as this will result in a huge beard, possibly of large and freakishly thick proportions, I feel I should document it. Worth a laugh, surely?

So I’ve just bought britainsnexttoptramp.co.uk, because I know I’ll look like Britain’s Next Top Tramp by the time James downs his first legal pint.

Enjoy peoples.

I’ve just been into town and can you believe that for once my experience at the Bank was better than my experience in Subway?

I went in there and ordered a Sub of The Day. It comes out of the toaster and some guy picks it up, puts it by the salad selection and just looks at me.

I thought ‘ok, not having a good day? Fine.’

“Lettuce, Tomatoes, Pickles and Olives please. Lots of olives please, I like those.”

He puts 3 slices of one olive on it, not even a third of a normal amount.

“No, I would like more olives please, I like them.”

He looks at me, motionless and emotionless before almost imperceptibly shaking his head.

“Can you speak?”

“Yes.”

“And you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes.”

“Then give me more Olives please.”

“You’re not allowed extra portions for free.”

“That is not even a normal portion, that is 3 pieces of one Olive.”

“You’re not allowed extra portions for free.”

“Then have I have a normal amount please?”

“You’re not allowed extra portions for free.”

I paused, checking to see if I was the one being the arsehole, I wasn’t.

“Get your boss out here, I’m sick of you.”

The boss was already on the case, the queue behind me was already long and is now building up rapidly.

“Yes Sir?”

“Whats this?” (points at Olives)

“Olives.”

By this time I am starting to loose it.

“No, its an Olive, barely. I told this guy I wanted more and he’s given me this much.”

Salad-Guy pipes up again suddenly.

“You’re not allowed extra portions for free.”

“Yeah you’ve said that 4 times now, and I’ve said that that’s not even one portion. If you’re going to be like that, you can make and toast a new one and give me one complete full portion of every item of salad here even the stuff I don’t like and all the sauces and if you then cant close the sub you can make it again. This is an outrage.”

The word outrage rolled off my tongue so effortlessly it almost made me crack a smile. People in the queue now begin to sigh. The manager looks at Salad-Guy in the eye as if to say ‘what the fuck is your problem?’.

“Give the man as many olives as he wants.”

Salad-Guy piles on a load of olives, at least double a normal amount.

“More.
More.
More.”

Salad-Guy sighs.

“More!
More!
And ground pepper!”

I moved to the til with at least 5 times the number of Olives I wanted the whole thing was black with satisfaction.

I looked at the Manager who was now on the til as if to say ‘that guy is a dick’ and he looked back at me as if to say ‘yeah, that guy is a dick’.

I paid him £1.99 for the sub which had about £3 worth of Olives in it and left. It tasted awful but I ate it with a smile.